Jealousy is a Tool with Ally Iseman
What’s your relationship to jealousy? We’re often shamed for it or try to avoid it, but Ally Iseman, a Certified Relationship Coach, says jealousy is an emotion, a tool, and something that can show us what’s important to us.
It’s a lot easier to talk about jealousy when you aren’t triggered, and Ally shares her jealousy GROWTH method: ground, reflect, open, witness, timeout, and humanize. We dig into what each step looks like and why it’s important.
We talk about:
- four main kinds of jealousy in romantic relationships: possessiveness, comparison or competition, fear of abandonment, and distrust.
- The difference between envy and jealousy
- Shame, blame, and avoidance when it comes to jealousy
- How helpful it is to have someone holding the container for couples navigating jealousy
- Journaling to jealousy or your partner or yourself
- Curiosity as a way in to talking about jealousy
DOABLE CHANGES
At the end of every episode, we share three doable changes, so you can take what you’ve heard and put it into action. Action is where change happens.
Even though we want big change, it’s really little things done over and over that make the difference. So pick a doable thing. Put it in your calendar. Weave it through your days for a week and then move on to the next one. It will have a snowball effect.
Here are three Doable Changes from this conversation:
- GROUND. Try the first step of the Jealousy GROWTH method, and get out of your head into your body. Notice: Where is jealousy showing up physically in your body? What does it feel like? Is it tight? Is it hot? Is it bubbly? Notice the physical experience of jealousy.
- JEALOUSY JOURNALING. Try journaling about your jealousy. You can journal to your jealousy, to your partner, or to another part of yourself. This is a tool if you don’t have someone to talk to about your jealousy or if you want to explore it on your own first.
- IDENTIFY YOUR OWN JEALOUSY TYPE. The four most common kinds of jealousy in romantic relationships are possessiveness, comparison or competition, fear of abandonment, and distrust. Think about each of those. Does it show up in your relationship? Does one of them jump out as most common for you?
ABOUT ALLY
Ally Iseman, CRC is an award-winning creator, author, internationally Certified Relationship Coach, and NCSF-registered Kink Aware Professional specializing in modern relationship design, unlocking erotic jealousy, and consent and communication.
She is the founder of Passport 2 Pleasure, curated travel groups for couples who want to have the conversations they can’t have anywhere else.
Ally speaks on stages and screens of all sizes and is a featured culture commentator and subject matter expert. She has been featured in The New York Times, LADbible, Cosmopolitan, AskMen, and more.
Ally works with couples and individuals around the world who are at transition points in their dating and relationships. Whether they want to open their relationship to include more people, explore play parties together, or simply communicate more authentically about their kinks and curiosities, Ally helps them open up without breaking up.
Ally is based in Los Angeles and London.
